|THIS ARTICLE WAS WRITTEN AND SUBMITTED BY CODIE MARTIN. USED WITH PERMISSION!|
|SPOILERS AHEAD I will spoil a few things about Mega Man X7, and
this article is a bit sexual. So if you dislike spoilers and have not
played Mega Man X7, or never went to public school, please hit that button
at the top of your browser with an arrow pointing left with the word
|Sigma has just been getting worse and worse since Mega Man X. Okay,
the Wolverine form was cool, and the Grim Reaper form was actually better
than whatever he was
supposed to be in X3. But nothing trumps his classic Dark Jedi form. In X6
he's clothed in rags, makes disgusting coughing noises, and talks in 1337
5P33K. I guess Capcom felt the 1337 5P33K was a bit much, so they took
that part out but kept the slum theme by making him a hooker instead of a
bum, and thus has been given the nickname "p0rn Sigma" by the Flying
And yet he still manages to be a flying leap past Drunken Hobo Sigma.
I went two entire playthroughs of Mega Man X7 without noticing these things. Suddenly, I hook my Playstation 2 into my computer, and sex just starts flying at me from every which way. I enter the battle with Sigma, and suddenly his introduction takes on a whole new meaning.
Engage the battle. At first, I called Sigma "Gungrave Sigma". Okay, I've yet to actually play my copy of Gungrave, but minus the cowboyish look in place of a spaceman look, you could see where I got that from. I soon realized the problem of the naming. I could very well be wrong, but I don't think Gungrave had a gun his own size that screamed "compensating for something" with rainbow flashing neon lights. And just look at the gun. It doesn't just scream "compensating for something", it also says "Capcom is pulling a Disney". This isn't the last you'll see of this. For the Mega Man X7 Sigma, no longer "Gungrave Sigma" but now "p0rn Sigma", is the gift that didn't know when to quit giving.
Sigma's final phase is very big, and not very hard if you have Axl come in with that rifle he gets from Vanishing Gungaroo. Actually, that rifle might just be the only thing that makes this game playable. Regular shots do little more than jack to enemies. And since Axl is the only person who gets this rifle, it's understandable he's the only playable person in the game. Sigma's attacks include throwing greens balls of plasma or and fire at you, slamming his fist down on you, and shooting an enormous laser out of a gem in his lower waist.
I don't know if Capcom meant it to look like what it does, but I couldn't help but wonder what the hell was going through Capcom's head when they made that laser come from where it does. And it knocks Axl onto his back. Sigma wants Axl. Sigma wants a little boy... well, okay, so Axl's supposed to be a teenager. Close enough.
Holy crap, I know who Capcom enlisted to design this Sigma!
I bet if Capcom also let him write the ending, it would have gone something like...
Axl: This way! Hurry!
Axl: Hmm, maybe now I should look down the hall to make sure it's safe. *turns around*
Axl: AAAAGGGH!!! NOOOO!!!! STAY AWAY FROM ME! *BEEOO ZAP BEE BEE BEEOO*
Sigma: Ahahahaha! You're coming with me, you little cutie! *snatches Axl*
Axl: NO!!! X! ZERO! HELP ME!
Zero: This is getting creepy, X.
X: Wanna leave the kid as bait and run for it?
Zero: Right behind ya!
Axl: Oh, fine, I'll do it myself! *Tae Kwon Does Sigma out a window*
Okay, while we don't actually get to see Axl throw Sigma out a window, we do get something that's worse than Sigma hitting on Axl.
Sigma decides to have his way with Red, who is actually Axl in disguise. Sigma is about to unknowingly get what he wanted since the start of the game, but gets shot in the face before he makes his move. Go Axl.
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